Last Sunday in my sermon on "Right Relationships" I included a list of 10 characteristics which help make a relationship work best. A number of people after the service asked me to include the list on the website. The found it helpful:
10 characteristics of a right relationship
1. Honesty
This is important. Relationships are enhanced when people can share openly and listen to one another’s feelings and thoughts. Couples who break-up from a relationship often note dishonesty and secrecy as a problem.
2. Vulnerability
Being vulnerable involves giving yourselves to the other. It is the act of sharing you’re the deep parts of yourself – your hopes, dreams, fears, failures. It is lowering the protective wall that we naturally put around ourselves. The danger of being vulnerable is that you can be hurt. The benefit of being vulnerable is that you discover profound freedom. It is the most amazing experience to find a person who knows everything about you and still loves and accepts you.
3. Trust
A Good relationship is built on and is sustained by trust. As trust increases people become more honest and vulnerable with one another. A breakdown of trust is hard to heal.
4. Faithfulness
Faithfulness is a key element in the way that God relates to us. It is one of the fruits of the Spirit. It is also a critical element of our understanding of a right relationship. I think we would all agree – if you are in a relationship, you got to be faithful.
5. Equality and Mutuality
Equality is treating your partner with respect, valuing them greater than yourself. Equality is the absence of one person dominating the relationship and the absence of double standards. The goal is a mutual dependency and empowerment. Have you ever seen a couple in love when the conversation goes something like:
So what do you want to do tonight?
Anything that you want to do
But I just want you to be happy, so you choose
No you choose, because I am happy when you are happy
You know what I am talking about? You just want to bang their head together and tell them to make a decision … but it is equality and mutuality in action. Our bible reading tonight picked up on this. It encouraged us to show compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience to one another – once again, this is equality and mutuality in practice.
6. Freedom and Responsibility
A good relationship allows each person to grow and retain their individuality, while each is enriched within the context of togetherness. In a good relationship you should have the freedom to be yourself yet at the same time be willing to be influenced by your partner. They seem to be mutually exclusive things but in a good relationship they work together.
7. Communication
Most of this stuff we have been talking about can be summed up with the goal of communication. In the pre-marriage counselling that I do, the two main topics that I always cover are communication and conflict resolution. For a relationship to be strong and healthy, you need to talk with each other. Good skills need to be learnt and practised in listening and communicating our thoughts and feelings clearly. By doing this it will go a long way in resolving conflicts and deepening our understanding of each other.
8. Giving and Receiving Affection
Enjoying being together and when separated, looking forward to being together, are all part of the warmth of relationship. Affection is a natural expression of our love and delight in our partner. Let’s face it, holding hands, hugs, snuggling up on the lounge, kissing … these things are good and things that nurtures the relationship. The need to “feel” loved is a deep need in all of us. Note that the way people enjoy affection will differ from person to person so care needs to be taken not to make assumptions in this area. Just because you love feet massages does not mean your partner does … or enjoys giving them. If in doubt, go back to number 7 – communicate
9. Discovering Intimacy
For me, intimacy is when you experience a depth and closeness in relationship that is different from other relationships. Intimate relationships are built on trust, good communication and on the willingness to be vulnerable with each other. In a real sense, Intimacy is the process of two people becoming one in mind, spirit and body. The way that God has created us.
10. Setting Limits and Self Control
Part of the honouring of the other person requires us to set limits on our own needs and behaviour; that is, to exercise self-control for the sake of the other. You know the old line … “Not tonight honey, I have a headache”. It is a sign of a healthy strong relationship when you can put on hold your needs and desires for the sake of the other person.
If you have any questions about these, just shoot me an email.